Tan’s in Việt Nam!

I find it pretty interesting that I am in fact the youngest member of the EAP program here in Hanoi. It is not simply a trivia fact to bust out at the next clubbing event. It is also not simply an irony that the youngest member of the group is named Tan (”New”), though I do get a kick out of that.

I actually feel that my age puts me at a distinctly different stage of life than many of my peers. Some of these guys have already graduated and walked in the previous spring, but pulled some administrative strings to go abroad before they begin the next stage of their lives. One girl is already planning her wedding. Others are going to law school afterward. And in almost every single person, I see a distinct personality with distinct life values that they hold dear to their heart and that they are not willing to compromise on.

Then there is me. Graduating university is only a vague concern. I don’t really know what I’m going to do with my life. I definitely am not going to get married anytime soon. More importantly, I feel I am not exactly at a point where I can say “These are my values. This is what I believe in.” In many ways, I am probably the most impressionable, least mature, and least confident person in the group.

Confidence was the one thing I really struggled with back home. I never felt like I had it. After 3 weeks (or is it 4?) of Vietnam, I think I have realized that part of this confidence issue is in fact my Vietnamese heritage. There is a huge emphasis in Vietnamese culture on “saving face.” You always must be mindful of what others will perceive you to be, as it affects the rest of the family. Even reflecting now, I remember that my little cousins, aged 1-6, are continually admonished with stuff like, “Don’t do that! Uncle Cung will get mad!” It is hard to be your own person, to do what you want to do, when you have been conditioned to think, “Well, what would my peers and my family think?”

But my lack of confidence can not simply be blamed on my heritage. Most of it should remain, and does remains, on me. After 3 or 4 weeks in Vietnam, I have come to realize that it is not about confidence, but about consequence. Everything I plan and everything I do has a consequence, and it is a matter of realizing what the consequence might be, and deciding whether or not you want to be responsible for those consequences. Whatever innane scheme I concoct in my head, there is a consequence, including what people might think of me. And that is simply how life works. “For every action there is an opposite and equal reaction.”- Newton’s 3rd law.

After 3 weeks of Vietnam, I find that life is totally different when perceived through the lens of consequence. I do things with less hesitation. My decision-making process has changed. I do not necessarily do what the rest of my program people are doing. Sometimes the group is calling for several rounds of bia hoi, and I abstain. Other times I take several shots of vodka with them. In either case, I am not acting because of some peer pressure, but out of an understanding of the consequence that I am willing to be responsible for.

And as I continue to act through the lens of consequence, I find that I do have values that I hold dear, and I do believe in things I will not compromise over. I find that maybe I am maturing just a little bit.

It’s funny how I now feel I can do whatever I want, as long as I accept the consequences. I guess it’s funny because my sense of “doing whatever I want” was born out of my stay in a repressive third world Communist country. I think as I continue to act in this manner, there might be a growing perception that I am “confident.” You and I will know the truth though. It is all a matter of consequence. I have no confidence.

This entry was posted on Tuesday, September 6th, 2005 at 9:17 am and is filed under Super Xanga. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can skip to the end and leave a response. Pinging is currently not allowed.